fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
