I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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