You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm like, not good at living.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
