What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
