I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize