Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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