If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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