her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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