I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
