I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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