My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
