there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Randomize
