We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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