What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
