Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
