Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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