i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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