I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
