my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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