i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
