Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
