Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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