I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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