tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
