Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
