Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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