he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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