FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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