i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
