im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
