I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
