I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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