I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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