Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
