I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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