Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
