I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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