my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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