I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
