Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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