Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
