So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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