My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
