the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
