The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
