I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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