Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
