i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
