My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
