I haven't been this sober since birth.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
