I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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