ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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