Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
