hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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