my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize