What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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