I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
