I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
