Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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