I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
