im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
