I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize