i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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