I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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