Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize